Bittersweet

The best part about moving on is that which is yet to come – the busy-ness of it, the sense of purpose, the future that awaits, the anticipation builds. You see a door and you don’t know what lies behind it. A whole another world to explore. A new house with new neighbors and new idiosyncrasies to learn; a new room with new shadows that wait to make friends with your old dreams and forgotten nightmares; new sounds that announce themselves in drips and creaks. A new life with new possibilities.

The worst part about moving on is that which is past – the sadness of it, the sense of loss, the memories that fade into a sepia tint despite promises of forever. You look over your shoulder and you see all that you’re leaving behind. You grieve because you know you’ve said goodbye even though you pretend it’s au revoir. The old house with its worn knowledge, its mysteries exposed; the shadows you know by name; the sounds you’ve investigated a million times; the walls pitted with your deeds. It is home.

Sometimes a song, the music of horns, snatches of conversation, the sound of someone’s laughter, wind rustling through leaves along an endless line of defiant trees, the smell of tobacco warming the morning air, squirrels at play, the squeaky tones of an adventurous toddler’s sneakers, mustachioed men at gates, the milky warm smell of a happy puppy, aged stone warmed by sunlight, the smooth grain of polished wood, bright red blood welling from a cut – and there you are again. In that place with no address; that space you carry within you. Fold by fold it opens to envelope you, until you stand there, just as it used to be.

Nothing has changed. But you don’t live there anymore. Nothing has changed, but these streets don’t look the way they used to. The trees have been cut down. The flowers aren’t the ones you love. It was the people who made it real but where have they gone? Nothing has changed except you.

The monster ate them. The bulldozer got them. The man bought them. They lost the directions. It’s a bittersweet realization, but some places are gone forever :(

PS : Its been a year I moved out of NAL and I miss being there! :'(

Hang on, We're in this together...

I came across this photo on the internet and instantly connected to it. It reminds me of life n people and our journey(s) together. Each one of us traveling together but to different destinations. I'd like to think of life as a wonderful journey where we have wisdom from the past, moments from the present and the thrill to the future.

Journey's are beautiful, You never know what you will come across or whom you will meet. It's always so refreshing to see the goodness in people. Each person can show you a new way to look at life.You get to learn from everyone, you just need to have an eye for it. One thing each stranger can teach you is how all of us are connected on the same level.People are just amazing. There are so many sides to them, and often they are very diverse. Just like a splash of different colors on a canvas. Abstract yet beautiful! Moulding that raw beauty in the wrong way would tarnish its originality!

Circles - Round n Round

I think/believe that each one of us is at the center of a number of concentric circles of increasing radii, and all the people in our life -- and I mean every single person --are situated at one of these circles. The closer the person is to us, the nearer his/her circle which means less distance. The farther you go, the larger the radius, the larger the circumference and thus the larger the number of people who could be accommodated on the circle. This means that there could be only a certain number of people who could possibly be really close to you because there is only that much space, and the list of acquaintances is invariably the longest because it's so far away. Everyone has their own circles and circles for everybody intersect at various points but it's rather complicated to imagine so better use spheres for imagination purposes. Also, it's not necessary that the circle number we occupy on someone else's cluster is the same in the vice-versa scenario. Which explains a lot of pain that happens in this world, when we give someone more value than they give us.

The first few circles around everyone are empty, because they signify the innermost reaches of us that our defense mechanisms don't let anyone get to. This is what we call our private space that we value a lot. The number of these empty circles varies from person to person. If you feel lonely in life, it means there are more circles empty than you'd like or you need, and that is when you feel the need of someone to come a little closer and fill in the 'emptiness in your life'. Again, most of us have a limit, and if someone comes closer than that, we start getting uncomfortable and try and push her away a little radially outward.

Centrifugal forces are inversely proportional to distance, and hence the closer the person, the shorter the radius, and the harder it hurts. Similarly, the more this distance, the less it really matters.

Settled With Unsettled Thoughts...

The warm cocoon I had made for myself now just feels marauder-ed and rummaged upon. The mirages I built for myself, the way I'd become so comfortable being away from home for these years and now getting back to what it was all these years feels a misfit. It's just tough doing away with habits...I live in the moment, I am my best when I am around but once gone I am gone and there is just no other way to put it. Things go haywire when the norm is disturbed.. I understand things my own way, somewhere down I can never explain things to people as to how I solved the particular and god I take a lot of time understanding stuff..

Things seem to be welling up inside me, drowning me, as if fighting to be let out..But only a knot grows inside..The moments seem to blur, the wish to make time stop gnaws night and day screwing the time I have left with me..Accepting the ominous end is too cumbersome a task. Why does it so happen that even though you knew it all along, you were preparing for it all through the time, reminding yourself time and again?? I find myself in this morass..This panic that grips me too often only messes things up. The vicious circle has tangents to it which makes up for the different scenarios but it all boils down to the same... I just want to fly away, forget about everything, feel nothing for once, I want a certain vacancy to fill in. Why is this derangement so unsettling, this dissonance so lulling, why can I not hold it all up, why the need to forage for catharsis? Why is it such a big deal to want a certain constancy in life? Life will go on, no matter what the changes are, how they affect you, the good, the bad the ugly all are an intrinsic part of this rigmarole called life, I'll learn along the way... there was life before... but all I know is it won't be the same after... But acceptance I'll learn...