Bittersweet

The best part about moving on is that which is yet to come – the busy-ness of it, the sense of purpose, the future that awaits, the anticipation builds. You see a door and you don’t know what lies behind it. A whole another world to explore. A new house with new neighbors and new idiosyncrasies to learn; a new room with new shadows that wait to make friends with your old dreams and forgotten nightmares; new sounds that announce themselves in drips and creaks. A new life with new possibilities.

The worst part about moving on is that which is past – the sadness of it, the sense of loss, the memories that fade into a sepia tint despite promises of forever. You look over your shoulder and you see all that you’re leaving behind. You grieve because you know you’ve said goodbye even though you pretend it’s au revoir. The old house with its worn knowledge, its mysteries exposed; the shadows you know by name; the sounds you’ve investigated a million times; the walls pitted with your deeds. It is home.

Sometimes a song, the music of horns, snatches of conversation, the sound of someone’s laughter, wind rustling through leaves along an endless line of defiant trees, the smell of tobacco warming the morning air, squirrels at play, the squeaky tones of an adventurous toddler’s sneakers, mustachioed men at gates, the milky warm smell of a happy puppy, aged stone warmed by sunlight, the smooth grain of polished wood, bright red blood welling from a cut – and there you are again. In that place with no address; that space you carry within you. Fold by fold it opens to envelope you, until you stand there, just as it used to be.

Nothing has changed. But you don’t live there anymore. Nothing has changed, but these streets don’t look the way they used to. The trees have been cut down. The flowers aren’t the ones you love. It was the people who made it real but where have they gone? Nothing has changed except you.

The monster ate them. The bulldozer got them. The man bought them. They lost the directions. It’s a bittersweet realization, but some places are gone forever :(

PS : Its been a year I moved out of NAL and I miss being there! :'(

Hang on, We're in this together...

I came across this photo on the internet and instantly connected to it. It reminds me of life n people and our journey(s) together. Each one of us traveling together but to different destinations. I'd like to think of life as a wonderful journey where we have wisdom from the past, moments from the present and the thrill to the future.

Journey's are beautiful, You never know what you will come across or whom you will meet. It's always so refreshing to see the goodness in people. Each person can show you a new way to look at life.You get to learn from everyone, you just need to have an eye for it. One thing each stranger can teach you is how all of us are connected on the same level.People are just amazing. There are so many sides to them, and often they are very diverse. Just like a splash of different colors on a canvas. Abstract yet beautiful! Moulding that raw beauty in the wrong way would tarnish its originality!

Circles - Round n Round

I think/believe that each one of us is at the center of a number of concentric circles of increasing radii, and all the people in our life -- and I mean every single person --are situated at one of these circles. The closer the person is to us, the nearer his/her circle which means less distance. The farther you go, the larger the radius, the larger the circumference and thus the larger the number of people who could be accommodated on the circle. This means that there could be only a certain number of people who could possibly be really close to you because there is only that much space, and the list of acquaintances is invariably the longest because it's so far away. Everyone has their own circles and circles for everybody intersect at various points but it's rather complicated to imagine so better use spheres for imagination purposes. Also, it's not necessary that the circle number we occupy on someone else's cluster is the same in the vice-versa scenario. Which explains a lot of pain that happens in this world, when we give someone more value than they give us.

The first few circles around everyone are empty, because they signify the innermost reaches of us that our defense mechanisms don't let anyone get to. This is what we call our private space that we value a lot. The number of these empty circles varies from person to person. If you feel lonely in life, it means there are more circles empty than you'd like or you need, and that is when you feel the need of someone to come a little closer and fill in the 'emptiness in your life'. Again, most of us have a limit, and if someone comes closer than that, we start getting uncomfortable and try and push her away a little radially outward.

Centrifugal forces are inversely proportional to distance, and hence the closer the person, the shorter the radius, and the harder it hurts. Similarly, the more this distance, the less it really matters.

Settled With Unsettled Thoughts...

The warm cocoon I had made for myself now just feels marauder-ed and rummaged upon. The mirages I built for myself, the way I'd become so comfortable being away from home for these years and now getting back to what it was all these years feels a misfit. It's just tough doing away with habits...I live in the moment, I am my best when I am around but once gone I am gone and there is just no other way to put it. Things go haywire when the norm is disturbed.. I understand things my own way, somewhere down I can never explain things to people as to how I solved the particular and god I take a lot of time understanding stuff..

Things seem to be welling up inside me, drowning me, as if fighting to be let out..But only a knot grows inside..The moments seem to blur, the wish to make time stop gnaws night and day screwing the time I have left with me..Accepting the ominous end is too cumbersome a task. Why does it so happen that even though you knew it all along, you were preparing for it all through the time, reminding yourself time and again?? I find myself in this morass..This panic that grips me too often only messes things up. The vicious circle has tangents to it which makes up for the different scenarios but it all boils down to the same... I just want to fly away, forget about everything, feel nothing for once, I want a certain vacancy to fill in. Why is this derangement so unsettling, this dissonance so lulling, why can I not hold it all up, why the need to forage for catharsis? Why is it such a big deal to want a certain constancy in life? Life will go on, no matter what the changes are, how they affect you, the good, the bad the ugly all are an intrinsic part of this rigmarole called life, I'll learn along the way... there was life before... but all I know is it won't be the same after... But acceptance I'll learn...

Gubes - Miss you gals!

As the taxi sped on the desolate streets of the city, I couldn’t help but heave a sigh!! A mélange of memories engulfing me spasmodically, making me go back to my past with spurts. Sitting next to me were my frenz of 3 years now, few of the closest buddies I have had in life! We sat in silence, our hands entwined tightly. None of us spoke a word. We were just pondering as abstract memories flashed through our minds.

It was an early sunday morning. Not a soul was to be found on the streets. Traffic lights flashed on and off casting colored shadows on the dew pitched roads. Somehow I found it difficult to identify the roads,
so bereft were they of the usual noise and commotion. We crossed HarbourFront to take the road to the Airport.. I squinted at my watch. It was just 5:45 in the morning.
My frenz stayed over at my place and we were together on our way to the airport now. I had a flight to take in the morning. We had not slept the whole of last night... Dinner treat at a beautifully located restraunt with a relishing cuisine,talking about everything and everbody as we had done on so many nights before. We knew that goodbye time was ahead. Yet no one really wanted to broach the topic....

I have known them since I got a job..From movies,celebrations (All those bday's and special days), weekend outings, experiments in the kitchen,midnight walks, photo sessions,shopping extravaganza's,travel confusions, chats and mails,wake up calls,to those rib-tickling one-liner's we have been a group... Its funny how we get aquainted with lotsa people,yet there are those few people who get closer to you.. I liked the rebellious streaks in their nature that was so like me, we all had dreams of going places and we made it together! We were (few still are ;) ) all scared that our respective parents would eventually force us to get married to some software engineers well settled in the US ( which actually came true for one lucky dame!,the catch being he wasn't 'some' software engineer but a special one indeed :) ) making us wonder if we would get the man of our dreams.. But life had it's own surprises in store! :D The level of doing-everything-together gets such that they become second family for you.
And then one day you pack your bags, attend a few farewell parties,hug each other, and go your own way in life....

For these are the friends I have laughed and cried with. I enter a certain restaurant to be reminded of the number of times I had been there in the past and had fought over who would pay for the food. I enter a certain metro station, to be reminded of the debates on everything under the sun and seeing the trains leave one by one. I walk down certain streets, go to certain stores,and it all comes back to me again and again. I see the faces of my friends, smiling at me, waving at me, and it is then that I feel the loneliness....

So we kept chatting and getting silent alternately as the taxi sped through the roads towards the airport..
The classy Changi International Airport was soon in sight..We hopped out of the car, got a trolley and walked towards the check-in counters..Checked in my baggages and sat aside for what seemed like a last group chit-chat..Chit-Chat!?! - It was the most silent moment which we have experienced..But that silence spoke volumes!

It was time I had to enter the gates and had no courage to look into those wet eyes! Those warm hugs will remain precious! With no choice left I bid goodbye to my frenz for life! I entered, stood at a distance..Looked back as they stood amongst the crowd..Looked at them one last time,smiled,waved and walked off....

Ofcourse I knew being in touch is not a problem..Email, Phone zindabaad! Being net savvy I am very much in touch with them! But can anything compensate for getting to meet them and having a cuppa coffee or hanging out in the fav food joints with endless hours of senseless itsy-bitsy talks about anything and everything? It’s not that I would get to meet them everyday, or even every month. But the simple realization that they were in the same city and were just a phone call away was good enough.For you could always call them up and make a sudden plan of meeting anytime. Not anymore....

Not that I blame people or end up feeling morose. I have learnt to take these things into my stride and appear unperturbed...It is craziness to expect them to stay with you forever. Both you and I know that the world doesn’t work that way. But in their short sojourn, they leave behind millions of memories that make you so nostalgic...


PS : Gubes..Loafers...Pranksters...Whatever! You gals are the best!

I am my valentine!

Midst of the day, I explore this street...Alone, not lonely though...
Cheers of flawless ecstacy...Noises defeaning the calmness around!

They walked past me, hand in hand...Enjoying the music of their walk!
"Cupids", I thought "are creating magic", she returned his kiss with a smile.

Should I be sad on my fate? On my status of being single?
They say love is beautiful, it gifts a soul to share our thoughts.

Aint i more lucky? I have the whole world in front of me!
Choices unlimited, options I could delve on...
Emotional emancipation and the joy it gives
Havnt I got enough reasons to cherish my status of being single?

They say love is cool - status "committed" says it all!
Aint I cool enough? - status "single" gives me options!

They show in quotes, in tv shows, on screen...
"Our life is incomplete without the holy union"
Agreed, so what? do I curse my soul?
For the sin named being single!

They say love is a dream : "we float through the unknown cloud of bliss"
I am happy that I am single...
I am awake, eyes wide open!

So how do you feel? souls contiguous
Do you abhor your status for good? or Do you share my views, my thoughts?
Being single is no sin. relish it!

Happy Valentine's Day!